Today was the first of three 12 hour days of my
Landmark Forum experience. The 12 hour day begins at 9 AM with three breaks - - two 30 minute
breaks and assignments to complete during this and one 1.5 hour break to
meet and speak with other participants - - and a few 15 second stretch
breaks because 9 hours are spent sitting.
It began with the speaker focusing half the day spent lecturing us on 'enrolling someone to the experience.' The word enrolling means to register/to enlist/to place on a list. That started me off on a negative path because I had barely started an experience and the instructor was already pushing me to 'enroll' someone into the program for the betterment of my result! How does that make sense?! I, like many, was perplexed and uncomfortable by this idea. I am a strong believer in allowing the experience be the influencer.
By the second 30 minute break, I was on negative path and ready to grab my things and depart. I felt the pushy tactics for me to 'enroll' others was unnecessary. Regardless of my strong negative feelings, I stuck it out. After the second break, I went through a wave of emotions as a result of the Speakers communicating tactics. I found him to lack compassionate, rude (he kept interrupting any courageous individuals who would step up to express), and just overall unengaging. Just before our 1.5 hour break, he conducted a poll to see where everyone was on an emotional and attention capacity (Confused/baffled - half of the 150 ppl; Negative and icky - 30%; Bored/Apathy - ONLY ME!!!!) I cannot tell you if I was the only honest individual or just the only one who felt that way, but I did and I am confident he was baffled by that.
During the 1.5 hour break, I met four interesting ladies who explained there reasons for being at the Forum (confidential so I cannot share). However, two of the four were privileged as the experience was paid for by their employers. How fortunate, I say! However, I doubt they will have the same experience as those individuals who have invested their hard earned $675.00 dollars for this forum.
On our way back, one of the girls notified me of the reason why the speaker lacks compassion and so forth. I would love to share that but it is a Landmark secret and I wouldn't want to destroy is effectiveness. However, that certainly changed my perception on the forum as I was far more involved in the last 2.5 hours of the day. I did feel that the speaker was scoffing a lot more at my responses as a result of my hand raising for Bored during the polling.
On my way, I was still skeptical regarding the whole day, I felt I had not learned anything new. Everything talked about was something I learned at other workshops which I had attended for work purposes.
@11:45 PM on October 17, I had a revelation. It was like reading a book for the first time and absorbing certain information. But when I would start thinking about the contents from that book, my perceptive changed and I felt I was absorbing other details which I had missed at first. That is exactly what I felt and thought. Going over the details of this long and testing 12 hour day, I realized alot about my past indiscretions and errors. The main one that has impacted me for years was the blame I've angrily and frequently thrown towards my mother. My disregard for her life and her care for us, instead I blamed her for a 'shitty' life. I say 'shitty' because immediately after, I evaluated my life and I tell you, I've been blessed and fortunate to have such an amazing mother. One who has given up plenty and taken much on to forge a wonderful life for my siblings and I in a new country (Canada).
Immediately after my revelation, I called my mother to appologize for my behaviour in the past many years, and to let her know that I don't blame her for what has gone wrong in my life. I know the reasons and none of which have anything to do with her. A wonderful conversation followed and I could sense her beaming ear to ear on the other end of the phone. I tell you though, I LOVE LOVE LOVE my mother more than life itself. I also wrote a letter to my biological father indicating that I am relinquishing him of any fatherly responsibilities he feels entitled and that I didn't blame him for his lack of existence.
Following that, I have had the most open and enlightening conversations with my boyfriend and his brother (also in this weekend's Landmark Forum).
Surprisingly, this day has turned out to better me. I feel better, feel lighter, feel freer and I see possibilities.
Keep tuned for the next two days and I'll tell you what's up!
Live on living on.
s